5 weeks since surgery - Reflections on my Future

Its been five weeks since surgery now and I have been thinking a lot about what has happened and my life ahead. 

The pain in the arm hasnt gone away and thats getting me down. The ultrasound on monday said it was a muscular problem. How this happened I havent a clue as about the only thing I have lifted with that arm is a cup of coffee or pint glass of water. Going to have to muddle on then and see if it clears; its not as bad as two weeks ago, but its causing me real problems driving and I cant see me doing an 8 hour daily drive and 5 to six hours of work in the south with it like this; but then am still not happy with continence and internally I still have pains - though these are niggling healing ones I think. Problem with driving is that sitting for so long hurts internally and especially when I get out of the car and stretch. Also, am starting to walk at normal speed - this is also causing 'healing pain' - then - No Pain No Gain they say !

Back to my opening remark, have started to question did I make the right decision; it keeps going through my mind and I keep telling myself I did. I could never have lived knowing that cancer was growing inside me, but this life ahead is going to be a challenge to get used to.

I dont think people who have not had the experience really understand what myself and others are going through. I know each day I am having to pick my chin up and put a smile on my face when inside I really dont feel like smiling. I suppose I can recover quickly from the physical side of things but mentallly this is going to take a long time and I dont know if I will ever recover.

People read books and kindles -:) I tend to read a lot onine. I love the NY Times and they have had great coverage on the topic of Prostate Cancer. Read the other night an article on the side effects that has really hit home with me   The Side Effects? Well, There Is One...
 
Am really concerned that I am at the start of my new journey, a journey of revovery from cancer that will need to cope with the effects of incontinence and ED. I think now in my 50's I will be able to cope with stress continence - ok am going to wet myself sometime and will have to face the fact that it might happen in public. I can live with using pads for those important public facing days to save the embarrassment.  But when I get older , in my 60s and 70s, if I live that long, hopefully it wont get worse and I wont smell like a urinal and be an embarrassement to those around me.

An then there is the ED side of things; dont know how I can write about what I am feeling about this yet as its still early days. Yes, Dead men Don't have Sex - I read the book - but the feelings and changes that you experience are more than just this. You dont get to know about these feelings and changes until after the treatment and then its too late to turn back the clock. Have i made the right decision, if I live another 20 years until I am in my 70's can i survive those years with these feelings - would I have been better to not have had the treatment and risked the cancer spreading - I dont know, will have to see how it goes.

"...........Jonathon Alsop, 53, a Boston wine writer, said his surgeon, Dr. Sanda, prepared him for sexual side effects, but nine months after surgery, he sometimes felt like a teenager.
“I never know what my body is going to do from moment to moment, and when I do have sex, I’m pretty sure I’m doing it wrong,” he said. “I try to have a sense of humor about it.”.............."

I wish i could just feel like that teenager ... maybe next month or next year ...

For now, its time to physically heal and look toward my first post op PSA test at the end of January 2013 - should be less than 0.1 .....